I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
