Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
