i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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