So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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