The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
