FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
