she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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