Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
