his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
