When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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