some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
