I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
