So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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