i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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