True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
