Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
