So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
