every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
