He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
