last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
