More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
