four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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