My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
