Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
