You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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