Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
