I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
