it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
