well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
