Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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