i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
