Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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