Apparently you make a good broom.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
