U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My cat gives me a boner
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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