she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
