So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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