There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
