Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
