She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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