Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
