But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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