its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
