so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
