when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
