Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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