i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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