Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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