Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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