So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
