Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
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