hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
