Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
