he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
