So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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