She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
