Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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