Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
